


A Better Fate Than Wisdom

by runningondreams



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: 5 Times, First Kiss, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, canon angst, kaidan taking care of shepard, shepard taking care of kaidan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-20
Updated: 2015-08-20
Packaged: 2018-04-16 05:36:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4613223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/runningondreams/pseuds/runningondreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard and Kaidan are bad at words, sometimes. They do their best to make up for it in other ways. </p>
<p>Written for a 5 Kisses prompt on the Mass Effect kink meme.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Better Fate Than Wisdom

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from ["Since feeling is first"](http://writersalmanac.publicradio.org/index.php?date=2006/06/04), by e .e. cummings. More information about the prompt can be found in the endnotes.
> 
> Thanks to [morphia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/morphia/pseuds/morphia) for beta!

**one**

He couldn't remember now how they'd met, or what had started it. He couldn't remember the name of the club, only that it was Earth, somewhere no one from Vancouver Command would catch him and drag him in for a reprimand. One last push before he shipped out to Arcturus to join up officially, for all he'd spent most of his life on Alliance ships.

What he remembered most afterward was that it was easy. Like shooting or throwing a punch or jumping into space. There was a moment of anxiety, a moment where his brain screamed _butwhatif-_ and then he was over and through, alive and eager on the other side, so high on adrenaline and endorphins he wanted to laugh with it.

He didn't remember the boy's name, but he remembered his eyes - dark and _old_ for someone who looked so young - and he remembered the sparks on his lips, his arm, anywhere they touched, more real than imagined. He stuck his hands in the boy's hair and his tongue in his mouth and shivered at the sting of static and the press of warm skin against his, pain and exhilaration all at once.  

 

* * *

 

**two**

 

"You know, this really isn't what I had in mind when I said there were benefits," Kaidan groaned, rubbing the bridge of his nose. John just smiled and dimmed the lights until the only source of illumination was the fishtank.

"That better?" he asked over his shoulder.

"Much, thank you."

Kaidan gave him a weak smile from the couch.

"If you don't mind, I think I'll just sit here with my eyes closed for a while."

"No problem," John watched him grimace through the display of model ships. "Is there anything else you need? Should I contact Chakwas?"

"No, no, I'll be fine. I've got some meds if it gets really bad, but they tend to make me pretty useless after. Maybe some water, if you've got it."

"Can do, Major." He grabbed a regulation coffee mug and went to rinse it out in the bathroom.

Kaidan mustered up another smile when he pressed the full cup into his hands. "Here I thought we were leaving the barriers of rank behind."

John huffed a laugh. "I promise not to let it come between us." He settled onto the couch, careful not to jostle anything. "Besides, I'm not sure anyone can tell one Spectre they're in violation of fraternization protocol, let alone two."

"There is that." Kaidan set the cup down and leaned back, his spine and shoulders stiff  as he rested his head against the back of the couch with a wince. John picked up a datapad from the table and started reviewing EDI's latest numbers on supply shipments to Palaven.

"Damn it." Kaidan murmured after a while. He was rubbing at his right arm and hand, and his face looked even more pinched and exhausted than before.

John put down the datapad. "Anything I can do?"

"I might need to lie down." Kaidan admitted.

"The bed is significantly more comfortable than the couch, you know."

It got him a ghost of a smile, but not much else.

"Come on." He stood up and reached for Kaidan's left arm.

"I should just go back to my bunk, " Kaidan protested weakly.

"Your bunk is two floors and 50 meters away. The bed is right here." He pulled Kaidan into what was technically a standing position and helped him stumble around the table. "Not that this was how I was hoping to introduce you to it," he added, grinning. Kaidan collapsed onto the bed like he had no energy left and didn't say anything at all, just burrowed into the covers and curled around himself as if he could will the pain away.

John watched him for a moment, hesitating. Then he walked around to the other side of the bed and sat down, swinging his legs up and leaning back against the headboard. Static electricity stung his fingertips as he pushed them through the short hair at the base of Kaidan's neck, stroking the skin at the base of his skull and the knot of tension there, just below the cool rim of the amp interface.

Kaidan moaned softly and John froze. "Should I stop?"

"... no." It was muffled by the comforter. "Feels good. Just don't ..." He watched Kaidan's Adam's apple bob as he swallowed. "...touch the vagus."

"Sure thing." John stroked his thumb over the curve of Kaidan's neck and skull, careful to stay away from his ear and throat. Kaidan shifted, uncurling slightly, and John ran his fingers up over the crown of his head, lingering on the hairline and the bits of brow and temple he could reach.

"Thanks." Kaidan whispered.

"If you want I can go get a cold pack. Or a hot pack if that works better for you." John traced his fingertips over Kaidan's forehead and pressed gently down the bridge of his nose. "Maybe some coffee."

"Mmmn." Kaidan shifted onto his back, eyes still closed. "Never ... had much luck with temp therapy. Should've had caffeine- " he grimaced. "- with lunch."

John started working on the other side of Kaidan's face, massaging small circles over his brow, his other temple, his cheekbones. He traced the hairline again, pressed hard over the curve of the frontal bone and gently over his forehead.

"Sorry." Kaidan sighed, his breathing slower now, his shoulders just a little less stiff.

"For what?" John asked, but Kaidan didn't answer, his face relaxed into sleep.

John smiled and stroked his hand through Kaidan's hair again, indulging himself. Kaidan didn't really look younger when he was asleep - the stress and long nights on top of long days had been etched into his skin for too long for that - but he did look more vulnerable. More like maybe he needed to be taken care of, rather than taking care of as much as possible by himself.

_Someone?_

It was something they had in common, really. John leaned over to pick another datapad off the bedside table, then leaned back to press a kiss to Kaidan's forehead, light but sure.

_You, Kaidan._

There was always something more to be done, but that didn't mean either of them had to do it alone.

* * *

 

**three**

 

"I leave you alone for five minutes and look what happens." Kaidan put his hands on his hips, looming over the end of John's cot in the Med Bay.

John tried not to laugh. His ribs might never forgive him.

"You nearly get yourself killed by an Brute," Kaidan continued. "Why is it that you always have to be the last one to the shuttle, Shepard? Do you have something against letting other people watch your back?"

"You know it." John grinned, but Kaidan's frown turned into a glower, so maybe they weren't playing that game after all. He tried a different tack.

"I'm fine, Kaidan. Dr. Chakwas says I'll be out of here in a few hours. It's just a leg fracture."

"And two ribs and your wrist, " Kaidan pointed out, still glowering.

"And I'll still be out in a few hours."

Kaidan didn't move. John sighed.    

"And fine, yes, I'll be more careful."

Kaidan shook his head but let his arms drop to his sides, coming around the cot to slump into a chair on John's uninjured side.

He laced his fingers through John's, just a hint of static jumping fingertip to fingertip. "I should have been there," he said.

John squeezed his fingers lightly. "You saved Captain Riley and her men. It's important."

"Not-" Kaidan shook his head again. "You could've sent Garrus, I could've _helped_ you."

John raised his eyebrows. "Is this a jealousy thing Kaidan? Because you should know that Garrus really isn't my type, and I _know_ I'm not his."

Kaidan sighed, his mouth twisted into something between humor and frustration.

"I guess I just hate seeing you like this," he admitted.

"It's not for long," John reminded him, "and besides, as I recall, I've had to suffer through seeing you in much worse states."

"I never actually died!" Kaidan insisted, and looked like he regretted it immediately. He tried to pull away but John tightened his grip on his fingers.

"I'm right here, Kaidan," he said, but Kaidan wouldn't look at him.

"This isn't actually about the injuries, is it?" He asked after a moment of silence. "It's about the first _Normandy_."

Kaidan leaned his forehead against their joined hands, his breath tickling the hair on on the back of John's wrist.

"I couldn't raise you for almost five minutes after the fighting stopped," he said quietly. "I didn't know whether you were alive or dead until Garrus dragged you around that corner. It - brought back some memories I thought I'd dealt with already."

John squeezed his hand and waited for him too look up, to meet his eyes. "I'm always coming back, Kaidan. I'm not leaving you alone in this fight if I can help it."

The grip on his hand tightened, almost painful, and Kaidan leaned up to kiss him, hard and fast, as if John might disappear if he didn't move fast enough.

"You better not," he whispered against John's lips.

John tilted his head for another kiss. It was the only answer he could give.

* * *

 

**four**

 

John's hold on his composure weakened as he got closer to the elevator. He told Tali he'd talked to Liara, palmed the door, stepped inside and sagged against the side railing before the doors even stopped closing.

Thessia. And Kai Leng.

He closed his eyes and flexed his hands, allowing himself to feel some of the stiffness in his fingers that was apparently a side effect of clinging to floor tiles because your life depended on it.

Of all the times he could have failed, this might have been the worst. It wasn't an impossible problem, like the genophage, or peace between geth and quarians. There was no centuries-old rivalry to diffuse, no petty wrongs to right. Once they'd gotten past the reapers it was just a temple, and a VI, and one man with a samurai fetish and a habit of killing John's friends.

And a fucking gunship. He should've taken Garrus along to sort that out.

They'd been so close.

So Goddamn close and now ... Now he didn't even know what to do next.

The elevator doors opened, but he felt like he'd been fused to the railing. Like all those little cybernetic implants had suddenly developed magnetic fields, rooting him to the spot.

He saw an Alliance uniform and tried to straighten, tried to control his expression, but it must not have worked very well because Kaidan moved into his space like he had no shields and pulled John's arm over his own shoulders as if it didn't have the weight of an entire galaxy's hopes attached to it.

"Let's get inside, okay Shepard?"

John wanted to protest -he wasn't injured he could walk on his own - but Kaidan was solid at his side, warm and stable, one arm wrapped around John's waist, a comforting weight at his back, so he let it go.

Once inside his quarters he had a sudden urge to smash the fishtank, smash the desk and the model ship display and everything else Cerberus had built, up to and including the joints in his left hand and the implants behind his eyes, which were overheating now - his face felt too hot and his limbs too cold, his stomach a roiling knot of icy rage between them.    

He made it to the bathroom before he threw up, but only barely. Afterward he just leaned against the cool steel wall, eyes closed and wrists propped up on his knees while he waited for the shakiness in his limbs to fade.

Kaidan brought him water, and John tried to smile.

"We should stop meeting like this," he croaked.

Kaidan just sat down next to him, knees pulled up to his chest and arms wrapped around them.

"We did everything we could," he said.

John sighed and looked away, closing his eyes again, remembering Kai Leng's damn message.

"Did we?" he asked.

"I was there," Kaidan affirmed. "We did everything we could. And we lived to fight another day. That's what's important."

"Thessia's important," John said. "That Prothean VI was important. Killing Kai Leng might not be important in the grand scheme of this war, but at this point it's pretty personally important to _me_."

"I'm with you there Commander." He looked up to see Kaidan glaring at the far wall. "Bastard doesn't even know what's coming for him."

John laughed, but there wasn't any humor in it. "You were right, you know. I'll never get away from Cerberus, not really. They built my ship, they built _me,_ they even created the thresher maw attack that got me into the N7 program. Even when we're enemies I can't leave them behind."

Kaidan's hand on his shoulder was too firm, biting into the skin under his collar bone and hauling him around until they were face to face, kneeling on the bathroom floor, static electricity sparking down John's spine.

"You're better than them," Kaidan insisted, his expression fierce in a way John hadn't seen since those last days tracking Saren, after Ash. "The past might make you who you are, but it doesn't have to define you." He shook John's shoulder as if to emphasize his point. "You're the only person in the galaxy I'd trust to lead this fight, against the reapers _and_ Cerberus, and that's because of who _you_ are, not what Cerberus tried to turn you into.”

It felt too much like an old argument, even if the roles weren't right. John pushed himself to his feet and stumbled out of the bathroom and Kaidan just let him go.

_I would have followed you anywhere, Commander._

_Cerberus thanks you for all your hard work._

He pressed his forehead against the fishtank's glass and closed his eyes, devoting himself to nothing more complicated than the play of light behind his eyelids, shifting with the water.

"If you want me to leave you alone, I will."

He turned around to find Kaidan hovering awkwardly between the tank and the door, waiting.

"But you have to tell me," he said.

John thought about the night stretching ahead of him, the expanse of stars and darkness over his bed. He shook his head.

"I want you here," he said, and Kaidan stepped forward, reaching for him, and John went willingly, held Kaidan's face between his hands and kissed him until it was all he could think about - warm lips and sharp teeth and soft hair under his hands, hot fingers at his belt and cool air on his skin, chasing pleasure into oblivion.

* * *

 

**five**

 

John had never been good with words. Not really. There were classes for speech giving and pep talks at the Academy, the rhythm and flow of it, and some stuff - asking questions, listening, how to bark an order that would be obeyed immediately, without thought - some stuff you picked up along the way. You had role models, or at least people you admired, to emulate.  

If he had a role model for how to talk about what went on in his own head, for translating the rush of emotions into words, it would probably be Kaidan.

Kaidan, who was trying to say goodbye because they might not get another chance, and John couldn't even do that much. He just stood there, hope and fear and bravado crowded in his throat, choking off anything he could have said. Listening to Kaidan talk about regrets and say all the important things.

He wanted to say _it's been an honor_ , and _thank you_ , and _I love you_ and _don't you dare die on me now Alenko._

What actually came out of his mouth was, _Take care, Major._ Like they were just soldiers. Old soldiers. Barely even brothers in arms, if he couldn't say his name.

When Kaidan pulled him close, it was a relief. Action had always been more his forte.

It wasn't perfect, of course. Kissing in full armor was always disorienting - knowing you were touching someone, but not being able to really feel it. But it heightened the experience too, narrowing the world to lips and breath and tongue, the brush of stubble and comfort of skin against skin.

Kaidan kissed softly, slowly, like he was committing the feel of it to memory. John tried to return the favor, but he'd always been more of a jump in with both feet kind of guy, and by the time they parted the kiss had turned hard and desperate and Kaidan's lips were swollen with it.

"Stay safe," he said, and John nodded.

It wasn't perfect, but it was what they had.

One hell of a ride.

**Author's Note:**

> I've lost the link to the original prompt (this was years ago) but the request was for 5 kisses including the following:  
> 1\. Shepard experiences his first kiss with a guy  
> 2\. Kaidan having a headache in Shepard's cabin  
> 3\. Shepard getting injured on a mission and recovering in the Med Bay  
> 4\. Kaidan comforting Shepard after Thessia  
> 5\. Their time before the final mission


End file.
